Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Best Priestly Review Of The New Translation

All the regalia a Cardinal is entitled to wear.  No question the new translation works well with all this.


I was made aware of this review from Bill Lyndsy's blog Bilrimage.  There are times humor, even somewhat off the wall humor, makes the point better than even 80 word sentences with multitudes of commas, and four semi colons, plus full colons, no sentence breaks, and of course, no paragraphs.  The review was posted as a comment to this dotcommonweal article.
  1. I don’t care what any of you people think, I simply love, love, love the new translation! I feel so important, saying all those big words, while all you little ontological wormies crouch on your knees adoring me! Yes, as a matter of a fact, Jesus was consubanshle with the Father and I’m consubanshle with Jesus, and it’s about time you people started treating me that way. This mass is a wonderful tool for catechizing you on the doctrine of my holy priesthood.
    And I love, love, love, love how we finally wrote all those dirty, stinky, female people out of the script. (As if any priest would ever bother coming down from Heaven for the sake of their salvation!) What liturgy could be more like the Beatific Vision than just wonderful, precious me and my fabulous, divine brethren all alone with half-naked Jesus up on the cross? (I am so ready to boot those revolting little altar-females out of my sanctuary, which I plan to do as soon as I’ve bought myself a golden chaliss with lots of elegant little swirly-curlies engraved on it, just like Pope Benny has. And there won’t be any laypeople putting their mouths on my precious chaliss, you can bet on that, nor any disgusting old tuna holding it down there at the foot of the altar for people to drink from.)
    Oh, how beautifully I prayed the new mass, very slowly and importantly with plenty of intonation, just like Maria Callas singing “Pace, mio Dio”, and how elegantly I waved my sacred, venerable hands around all the while, just like Gandalf at the bridge in Moria! And I sounded so marvelously imposing and poetic, just like a Harry Potter book. Who cares what all those funny words mean anyway? I can’t understand one word of that Shakespeare stuff, but I go anyway because I simply adore the costumes and swordplay. Nobody comes to mass to hear some ridiculous Word, (duh!), they come to see me in my glamorous costumes. I just hope my butt didn’t look fat as I precessed up to the altar in my new cappa magna.
    Next on the agenda: I do think the non-ordained should kneel throughout the mass. Like who do you all think you are, standing in my holy presence? Did you not hear the part about how consubanshle I am with God? I have already written to Princess Georgie, who says the Queen agrees completely and will put a motu out as soon as possible, but it seems poor old Queenie spends most of the time in the Holy Shitter these days, trying to motu his proprio old bowels.

8 comments:

  1. Wow! What a wardrobe! What a show! Can't wait to get to those kneelers and adore this priest. The Beautific Vision.... aw shucks.... who needs that when you can have this perfection? When you're consubstanshel - your consubstanshel.

    Miss Ogeny

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  2. My two kids and their preschool have NEVER owned this much dress up stuff! I'm curious, where did you find the photo? And how can ANY person who tries to follow Jesus look on that pile and not shirk away in fear of divine Judgment?

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  3. Whatever his faults, John Paul II had the common sense to avoid most of the more opulent vestments, usually being photographed in cream-colored robes.

    Bronxirishcatholic

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  4. For the laity take on humor:
    http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/403247/november-29-2011/yahweh-or-no-way---altered-catholic-mass--papal-seat-belt---offensive-vodka-ad
    Veronica

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  5. ROFLMAO!!

    Kallisti

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  6. Thank you for this. I needed a laugh.

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  7. I just got a chance to watch the Colbert link. He was in rare form. Imagine the Pope has Jesus for airbag protection, no wonder he doesn't need to wear a seat belt.

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