Sunday, February 24, 2013

Why I Should Be Pope And Not Fr. James Martin

Seriously guys, you need to think waaaay outside the box.  Ignore the self promoting Jesuit and elect the honest self promoting female blogger.

Over at America Magazine Fr James Martin has begun his campaign to become pope.  What's next, Stephen Colbert?  I just got to thinking if he can campaign then so can I. Ergo, I have taken his self reported qualifications and juxtaposed mine against his.  I of course have more qualifications, or will when I'm elected.  See who you think should be pope.

Here are twelve (pretty good) reasons why you should elect me pope, which I’m calling:
Twelve (Pretty Good) Reasons Why You Should Elect Me Pope. (Not him, me.)

1. I’m a man. That’s half the battle, right? (Been there, done that for far too long, and not always successfully I might add.  Time for a woman.)

2. I’m baptized. And I’ve got the papers to prove it. No birther controversy here. (Me too.)

3. I speak several languages. Not well but, you know, who does really? I speak English, as you can see from this little essay. And guess what: Bonjour! That’s right: French! I started studying français when I was in seventh grade. (Notice I used the little thingy under the “c.”) That means I can talk to pretty much all of West Africa and France: that’s a lot of Catholics. Unfortunately, if I have to use the subjunctive or the pluperfect we’re out of luck, but all I have to do is avoid saying, “If I were” in any of my encyclicals and we’re golden. But there’s more: Hola! That’s right: I speak Spanish. More or less. Or, “Mas o menos,” as we say in the biz. Now, in this case, I can’t really handle the past or future tenses, but that’s okay, because that means I’ll be speaking all about the present—which will make me sound forceful and confident. You know, “Now is the time!” Or “Ahora es la…well, ora, I guess.” Anyway, there are lots and lots of Spanish-speaking Catholics and once they hear my rendition of “De Colores,” they’ll be sold on the Servant of the Servants of God muy rapido. (Ok Ok, I don't speak French, but my daughter does, and guess what, you don't have one of those. Plus Yo hablo espanol.  I also can not really handle past or future tenses, but I can ask "Donde esta la cuarto de bano?" which every woman knows is the really really important question.)

4. I’m half Italian. I almost forgot: Ciao! I’m half Italian. On my mom’s side. So once I’m the Bishop of Rome I’ll easily be able to deal with any problems in the curia, because all the Italian curial officials will instantly recognize me as a paesan. Scandals? Finito! Mismanagement? Basta! (That’s Italian for “done” and “over,” in case yours is rustissimo.) My election will also satisfy anyone looking for an Italian pope: i.e., all the Italian cardinals, who you definitely want on your side. The other half of me, by the way, is Irish, which goes a long way in the States, believe you me. (Ha, I have you here.  I'm half POLISH and all Vatican curia understand what that means. Lots of travel and really big road shows.)

5. I worked in Africa. I almost forgot my other language. Jambo! That’s right! I speak Swahili. Or Kiswahili. (That’s Swahili for Swahili.) Well, at least I used to. I worked in Kenya for two years. So for all those people who want a pope from the developing world, well, I’m not exactly from there, but there are three babies who were named after me while I was working in Kenya. (They’re not mine, if that’s a worry). That’s got to count for something.
Now that you know that I speak English and Spanish and French and Swahili, you’re probably thinking, “Gee, why not Jim as the Pontifex Maximus?” Why not share that thought with the guy in red sitting next to you? (Ok, you might have me here, but I have had a subscription to National Geographic. Besides, as a woman I might just as well come from a third world country.)
6. Books. You probably want a pope who is literate but maybe not someone who spends so much time writing books, what with all the stuff he has to deal with. I know that this was sometimes a criticism of Pope Benedict XVI—not that I’m casting any stones! But I’ve already written my books, so when I’m in the Vatican I’ll be 100% on the job. 9 to 5. Weekends too, if things ever get really busy. Sundays of course I’ll be available for Masses. (I don't write books, I just blog which makes me ideal in the modern world of social communications. Plus I am thinking about getting started thinking about a twitter account. Plus I too will be available to attend Mass on Sundays, and if elected would ordain myself so as to be able to say Mass on Sunday--in understandable English.)

7. Business Experience! Speaking of jobs—guess what?--I’ve got a degree from the Wharton School. That’s one of the big business schools here in the States. Plus I worked at General Electric for six years. So here’s some good news: say arrivederci to any managerial problems in the curia. Ever heard of Management by Objectives? The marginal propensity to consume? The “Four Ps” of marketing? You will after I’m Supreme Pontiff. That place will run like a top. A top that makes money, too. (I too have worked in a few business fields and know exactly how to say "You're Fired". Plus I am a very good golfer which is vastly more important than some piddly degree from Wharton.)

8. I’m ordained. I almost forgot: I’m already an ordained priest. That means that, since I meet all the other requirements, the only thing that left is for me to be willing to be ordained a bishop. And guess what: I’m willing. Now let me anticipate a minor objection. I’ll bet that you know that I took a vow as a Jesuit not to “strive for or ambition” any high office in the church, but I’ve got a nice, easy, canonically doable way around that roadblock. Once you elect me pope, I’ll be my own superior! After I put on those white robes, I can just call up the Jesuit superior general and say, “Hey, how about letting me accept that ordination as bishop and my election as pope?” And I figure he’ll have to say yes because he takes orders from me. Problem solved. Besides I’m not striving or ambitioning anyway. I’m campaigning. (I've already written how I will solve the ordination thingy.  As far as the ambition thingy, since I am already part of the 47%, it goes without saying, I have no ambition.)

9. Educated. The Jesuit training process is really, really, really long. I can’t even remember how many years I was in studies. That means that I studied philosophy (good to know), theology (really good to know) and a whole lot of other stuff like church history, which I think would be pretty helpful as pope. And guess what? I know Ancient Greek, too. That really impresses the scholarly types in the church. E.g., when scholars ask me, “What translation of the New Testament are you using?,” I’ll say, “My translation.” They love that kind of thing. Plus, that appeals to the Ancient-Greek-speaking demographic that the church may have given up on. (Ok, Ok, I studied biology and psychology so I know a lot of Greek words like schizophrenia and oedipal complex.  I've read the bible, well most of it, but I also know how to let the real professionals do their thing without the need to do it for them. Just sayin'.)

10) Willing to travel. Okay, I admit it. I’m not all crazy about air travel, what with all the delays and having to take your shoes off and sitting next to someone who keeps coughing up a lung, but it just dawned on me that this won’t be a problem at all. The Pontiff has his own airplane: Shepherd One. So once you install free movies in my gold-and-white plane I’m golden. I’ll go wherever you want me to go. To the ends of the earth, if need be. As long as I get an extra bag of peanuts. (Me too, I love to travel.  Only thing is I would need to change the name of the plane to Shepherdess One, which would be no big deal as it's only three letters. Actually, I could do that myself.  I don't eat peanuts so I would leave a smaller carbon footprint.)

11) Humility. I can already predict what your last objection is: my campaigning for pope may make me seem a tad less humble than you might hope for. But isn’t the fact that I’m willing to campaign a sign of my humility? A less humble guy would assume that everyone already knows that he’d be a good candidate and so wouldn’t say anything out of his pride. Kind of counterintuitive, huh? Ergo: Since I’m campaigning, I’m tops when it comes to humility. (What kind of convoluted Jesuitical self justified thinking is this drivel?  As a psychologist, I no longer can tolerate this kind of double think in myself.  Ergo, I am campaigning and don't claim one ounce of humility.  Like Cardinal Mahony I will learn humility on the job.)

12) Cool Name. Everyone knows that the first big decision the pope makes is his choice of name. Plus, I know everyone’s always worried about continuity. With that in mind (I like to think ahead, which is a good trait) I’ve already picked my name. As you know, Pope Paul VI’s successor chose the name “John Paul I,” to show his continuity with Pope John XXIII and Paul VI. Everyone was pretty impressed with that. Next you had John Paul II. More continuity. And of course next we had (or have, depending on when you’re reading this) Benedict XVI. If you elect me, and I hope you will, after I say “Accepto” (see I speak a little Latin too) I would choose my name: John Paul Benedict I. That takes care of everyone from John XXIII to Benedict. Continuity plus. Of course saying “JPB1” might take some getting used to but Catholics are pretty flexible, and I'll bet before long there will be lots of babies baptized John Paul Benedict. (In spite of not particularly being enamored with the name, I would choose Hildegard I in solidarity with her frequent attempts to get her version of the Vatican to clean up it's act.  I would also put an axe in the center of my Coat of Arms just in case the curia needed a reminder of my motto 'eadshay illway ollray'  It's in pig Latin by the way, in which I am very fluent and because too many of the curia seem to be pigs.)

Anyway, I hope that helps you make a tough decision easier, Your Eminences. Did I leave anything out? Well, I’m a fast typist, I can draw pretty well and I tell some really funny jokes. For example, here’ s a good one: “What did the Jesuit say when he was elected pope.”
There’s only one way to find out. (I too am a fast typer, except for the over strike thing, and I can draw pretty well, and my daughter thinks I'm funny.  Plus I am owned by three cats and that's a biggy in cat loving Italy.  So my joke would be  'What did the cat lady say when she was elected pope?'  You would never get the answer because the cat lady would have died from the shock of it all.)


  1. Well, I put my vote in for the Nuns on the Bus to run the Vatican & run all those who are corrupt right out of Rome, which might be the whole kitten caboodle!!!! They'd be packing their bags along with Benedict. Maybe ex-Pope might have room for them at his new villa that he took from the nuns. I'd love to see how he has redecorated the place. I wonder if the nuns that used to live there requested to fix up that place and the Pope and his thugs couldn't find the funds for them to do that for eons.

    Who would want to be Pope, for real, the way it is currently set up anyway? I'm praying for a miracle. How much longer can these guys be in positions with so much responsibility and not have the integrity to do things in a truly Christian manner? Good Lord, it's high time that rat's nest be cleaned up.

    I'd vote for you Colleen, for Pope. I've got a red hat. Not the right kind, but anyway..... whatever... I'd vote for you. :-)

  2. It would probably be a waste of a vote Fran. I'd last about two weeks and then take the Benedict route--and kick him out of his digs while I was at it. It's going to have his entire library which I would love to browse.

  3. Afterthought: Want to bet that the Ratz has built a panic room into his new villa?

  4. The Church could use a Mama, rather than a Papa, these days.